So... what the hell happened to me? (III)

Sometime not long after I came out as an atheist to my brother, we were talking about it, and he mentioned to me that one of the members of our church thought I'd turned away for 'sexual reasons,' i.e. God forbids sexual immorality, I want to be sexually immoral and fool around with the ladies, so I basically convinced myself that there is no God- so now I can do as I please, yay! He never said who it was that said that, and I never asked, but I really hoped it was someone who maybe just didn't know me very well, and not someone I thought of as a friend, because I was pretty pissed about that and would have ended up having a whole lot less respect for that person than I did previously. I can't say we wouldn't have been friends anymore over that because we probably wouldn't have been anyway- most of my old friends from that church and I ended up parting ways shortly after it became clear that not only was I a godless heathen but probably would remain so. The reason I bring that up is because it falls into a category of 'reasons' that us ex-christians (as well as those who never were) hear all the time- that we just want to do what we want to do and don't want to have to answer to anyone but ourselves. We no longer believe because we want to smoke and drink and have all kinds of sex with all kinds of people, not just one and only after we're married. Yeah, we hear that kind of stuff a lot. It used to really, really bug me. Now I just find it slightly annoying, like a fly buzzing near you at a picnic, but not so close as to be worth your time trying to squash it. I have my own little theory on why that's such a popular excuse for losing/not having faith. Well, surely it's not 'my own' little theory, as I know other people think this too, but I'm going to express it slightly differently than I've heard it in the past. I think the reason people say such things about us is because it lets them off the hook- I lost my faith because I wanted to, see? Because I wanted to have sex before I got married. Or because I wanted to look at porno mags. Or because I was listening to the wrong music, or reading the wrong books, or hanging around with the 'wrong crowd,' or or or... It all comes down to that, doesn't it? I no longer believe because I was either doing something I shouldn't have been doing, or I wanted to be doing something that I shouldn't have been doing. This way, it's all my fault. This way, as long as they just keep being faithful and not do the things I did, as long as they try not to want to do them, as long as they 'do' the right things, and 'not do' the wrong things, then they won't lose their faith like I did. It's about the things you do, not whether an idea is true, or believable, or not; it's because 'I don't like the idea of an Ultimate Authority.' So it starts with little things here and there, then works its way up to bigger things, then next thing you know, I'm a full-blown, God-hating, Angry Atheist. 'I was tired of having to submit to his authority, so I managed to convince myself that he's not real, now I can do all the things I wasn't allowed to do before.' Sort of along those lines is another argument that I hear a lot, that kind of goes like, 'I know what's right,' or 'I know what's really true.' Which is to say that I really know in my heart that what I believed is really true, I'm just denying it for my own selfish reasons. Really. My question is, 'How stupid do these people think I am?' Seriously. How freaking stupid? Because what they're saying is that I really know that God is real and is going to come back for his faithful someday and unless I repent before it's too late, I'm going to end up in hell for all eternity. I really know that, yet I continue living as if I don't. A person would have to be beyond crazy to really believe that- know that- and yet pretend like he really doesn't. I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm not that incredibly stupid either, that I'd try and pretend all that was a lie when I really knew deep down that it was true.
Ok, moving on, let me back up a little bit to the idea that I left God for 'sexual reasons'. Wrong on so many counts. For one thing, I didn't really mind the idea of having to wait until I was married. That's just the way it was, and had been, for me for so long, that I just took it for granted. No big deal. And I was never in many relationships, serious or otherwise, so it's not like I had temptation following me everywhere I went. And let's be honest here, if what I really wanted to do was fool around with the girls, I would have done what a whole lot of other believers have done and still do- I'd have gone ahead and done it- had an 'oops' moment, or 'messed up,' or 'stumbled,' or whatever else they call it nowadays, and then would have (honestly) felt bad about it afterwards and prayed about it and promise to never do it again. Until the next time. Seriously, how many honest-to-god, truly faithful Christians have you guys known over the years who've either gotten pregnant, or gotten someone pregnant? I've known a bunch. I'm sure you've known even more. It's not like it's a secret in the church; happens quite a bit. And it's not like the people who do it are not absolutely serious about their faith- I think most of them are. I sure was. Which is why I never got into trouble like that. Because I believed in what I said I believed in, enough so that I didn't do the things I wasn't supposed to do. It's also why I titled this series of posts the way I did- 'What the hell happened to me?' I wasn't trying to be funny with it. That's just how I look at it; my loss of faith- it's not something I 'chose to do'- it's something that happened to me. I was certainly not expecting it. I had other ideas. Godly ideas. Once I became a Christian, I never, ever imagined I would turn away completely. Couldn't imagine it. I just couldn't imagine not believing. And I didn't want to, either. Things were going pretty good for me towards the end- living with the Jesus People out in Chicago- I loved that time in my life! I still miss being there. Besides the living in Chicago part- such an awesome city- I was also meeting people from literally all over the world on a regular basis, two weeks vacation every year, Cornerstone Festival every year- sure, we had to work it, obviously, but depending on your job, it could be lots of fun. I remember being on garbage detail one year and having a total blast. And there was always plenty of time off to catch shows and do whatever. Like I'd give all that up, plus everything I honestly believed in, just so I could 'get away with' fooling around with the ladies. Please. During my time out there I knew two guys, regular, long-time members of the community, who left their wives for men, as well as one guy who cheated on his wife with a man. That guy ended up staying with the community- he wanted to work out his faith and they were willing to let him. His wife divorced him, of course, but she stayed there too! Slightly awkward, I'd imagine, but the point is that if all I really wanted to do was fool around, I'd have done it and somehow kept on with my faith. Other people have done it. But it's more than that. A lot more. But by now you're probably wondering when I'm just going to answer the damn question- 'what happened?' Truth is, there is no short answer, which is why I started this blog. But the shortest answer that I can give right now goes like this- I want to know what's true and what's not. Just like you, just like everyone. I don't want to believe something if it's not true, or if it's just not believable. Just like you, just like everyone else. So when I started having more and more questions and was getting fewer and fewer answers, especially good ones, I decided that I was going to go on a 'relentless pursuit of the truth' (sounds so good, doesn't it? So noble). That I was going to ask the hard questions and not take some bullshit answer; 'I don't know' could be acceptable, depending on the question, but not something that used twisted logic or forced reason, or even outright lies or misrepresentations of the facts (not that Christians have ever been guilty of that...) If I came to the conclusion that something I'd believed was wrong- that conclusion being based on brutal honesty, logic, reason, evidence, and a sincere desire to know what was really true- then I'd stop believing it. No matter what. And vice-versa. I didn't care about 'doing the things that I wanted to do;' I cared about what was really true. So I wasn't going to discard something that I'd believed in up to that point if I could find a satisfactory answer for it. I'd been having some issues with difficult verses in the Bible and even more issues with stupid reasons given for those verses, so one of the first things I decided to do at this point was to read the Bible from beginning to end- as if I'd never read it before in my life. No ideas about it, no preconceived notions of any kind; just read it as objectively as possible, as if I was an alien from another planet. Some might argue that that's not possible, that everyone has their biases. And it's true, everyone does have their biases, but I think being aware of those biases goes a long ways towards keeping them in check. Besides, having been a believer for ten years at that point (despite recent doubts) I'd say, if anything, my biases were for, not against, the Bible. But for or against, I still think it's possible to put aside bias and read any book or idea fairly objectively. So that's what I set out to do. And I know some (many) people will say that obviously, obviously I was not at all serious about my 'pursuit of the truth,' because God is truth, and since I turned away from him, it just proves, at the very least, that I wasn't looking very hard. Well, ok, just take a minute to think about that statement- 'God is truth, therefore...' See, that's part of the problem I was having. If you want to know whether something is true or not, you can't just start with the idea that it is true, and work your way back from there. (Never mind the fact that the statement 'God is truth' doesn't actually mean anything in particular.) A Muslim could just as easily swap out 'Allah' for 'God' and say that because a person rejects Allah, and instead chooses Yahweh, they were never really serious about knowing what's true and what's not, because if they were, they would have turned to Allah instead, because Allah is the one and only truth. I'm not just throwing out straw-man arguments here, I've actually heard these arguments put forth- both to me, and to others in my place- the idea that if we really cared about what was true we'd have 'come back to the Lord' because he is Truth personified; there is no truth apart from him. I think part of the problem is that, for many Christians, they just take it the wrong way when someone says or implies that they might be wrong- surely they're not wrong. I mean, they really care about what's true- they went on their own 'relentless pursuit of the truth,' and found it, so therefore everyone who disagrees is, by default, wrong. And obviously, if they're mistaken in some particular matter of faith, of course they'll change their mind about it and stand corrected- if in fact they are mistaken, which isn't very likely. But they know- really know- that what they believe is true. So it's the 'other guy' who's wrong. Or who 'doesn't care about what's really true.' Or just plain hates God. Etc, etc, etc. Always the other guy.

A long, kind of rambling post, I know. Let me try and sum things up a little.

1. Yes, I really, honestly did believe. 100% born-again, truly faithful.

2. Started having problems with my faith- honest questions and doubts that I wasn't getting any satisfactory answers for. Questions and doubts that have nothing whatsoever to do with my desires for female attention, and everything to do with whether what I used to believe is actually true or not.

3. Decided to re-examine Christianity as a whole, and found that I could no longer believe in it. Too many things just don't add up for me, some of which I'll talk about later.

4. I honestly and truly no longer believe. No, I don't 'know in my heart' that what I used to believe is really 'the truth'- that's why I'm an atheist.