So... what the hell happened to me? (I)

That's pretty much the big question, isn't it? Especially since I never actually told you myself. It's not that I didn't want to. But it's really hard to talk about. Really hard.
Y'know, I never really knew Clark all that well, but I'm sure if we got together we'd have a whole lot in common, a whole lot we could talk about. Chuck, I remember you saying that trying to talk to him about the Lord was like talking to a wall- he'd just clam up and not say a word. I can totally relate to that. I totally understand. I do the same thing. I rarely get asked about it anymore, but when I do I usually just say I don't want to talk about it, end of story. Judy, I told you a long time ago that I wanted to get together with you guys and try and tell you what happened, how I went from There to Here. And I really did want to, I really did. But I quickly realized that I just wasn't going to be able to do it. Besides just being so difficult to talk about, it's also hard to really put into words, to find the right words to say. Even if I could sit there and talk uninterrupted, without breaking down (not at all likely) there's no way I would be able to effectively communicate everything I wanted to say in one or two or even ten sittings. Because it wasn't an overnight process. It probably lasted a couple of years. Hard to say, really. Besides being a long time ago, I didn't exactly keep notes- "Ok, here's Doubt #1, I better jot it down for future reference..." Lots of Christians have doubts at one time or another; most get past them and keep on believing. So how do they do it, and why couldn't I? Or better yet, how is it that I was able to take what I believed and look at it with a more objective, skeptical eye (almost like the way that Christians everywhere look at every other belief system that's not theirs with a skeptical eye) decide that I could honestly no longer believe it, and move on? What the hell did happen to me? Did I ever really believe? (I hear that one a lot, and find it very irritating.) Of course I did. You guys know I did. But maybe you've heard lots of different things from lots of different people and over the years maybe you have asked yourself that very question at times. Maybe you've had a thousand other questions that you've been dying to ask. Of all the people from my past, I've been wanting to tell you guys more than anyone else. (Ben too, and of course, I did tell him- he was the first, and we had a bunch of conversations about it all afterwards, but now that I've had plenty of time to think about things and mature a little bit, I think I'll send him a link to this blog too. I'm sure I didn't explain things quite the way I really wanted to in those early days.)
Shortly after I realized that I wouldn't actually be able to explain things face to face, I thought I could maybe write it in a letter and mail it to you guys from wherever I happened to be living. That way I could take all the time I needed to write it; read it and reread it again months later and make any changes I wanted to, and then when I finally felt like I had said everything I needed/wanted to say, I could mail it out. That was about 10 years ago (told you I procrastinate a lot). So now with the internet being what it is today, I thought it'd be best just to put it down in this blog. Slightly less personal than a handwritten letter, I guess, but a lot more likely that it'll get done.
So this is my letter to you guys. I've been writing it in my head for the last 10 years or so. I'm writing it with only you in mind (and the kids, of course; no doubt they've wondered too) but feel free to share it with anyone who might remember me from those days who you think might have questions that could be answered here. As it is, despite the very personal nature of this, I'm not keeping it 'secret' from public view- I've told one or two select people about it (no one from my past, although that could possibly change) and I link back to it whenever I post on a related blog that I read. Going from Christian to Atheist is not an easy experience, and I think maybe it could be helpful for some people who may be finding themselves in that position.
No doubt there are plenty of people who might come across this blog- and I can think of many from my Christian days- who will just look at everything I say and rattle off a list of 'rebuttals,' reasons why 'I'm wrong,' reasons why I'm just full of it; honestly, those people can go pound sand, for all I care (which is partly why comments are closed). I'm not writing this for them, I'm not here to convert anyone to my way of thinking; everything I write here, I write only to you guys, as if I were speaking to you directly, telling you all the things I've wanted to tell you. My plan, my hope, with this is that I can maybe answer some of the questions that you've no doubt had. I'm not exactly sure that's even possible, but I'm going to try. You may end up with more questions than you had before, I don't know. You can feel free to ask anything you'd like after you read it, but I'm pretty sure I won't want to talk about it anymore- and I'm going to try and cover everything here so I won't have to. This isn't going to be some sort of 'time-line' history; I've read other ex-Christians' stories and they read like a short story- plot, detailed conversation, point A to point Z. Even if I could remember all that stuff, I doubt if I'd want to put it all down here like that. There were two big turning points that I want to tell you about, but other than that, most of what I'm going to put here is just a bunch of questions that I had then, and still have now, that I've not gotten any satisfactory answers for from God's people; questions, doubts, random wonderings. Reasons why I no longer believe the things I used to believe, and why I'll never again be able to.