Sometime not long after I came out as an atheist to my brother, we were talking about it, and he mentioned to me that one of the members of our church thought I'd turned away for 'sexual reasons,' i.e. God forbids sexual immorality, I want to be sexually immoral and fool around with the ladies, so I basically convinced myself that there is no God- so now I can do as I please, yay! He never said who it was that said that, and I never asked, but I really hoped it was someone who maybe just didn't know me very well, and not someone I thought of as a friend, because I was pretty pissed about that and would have ended up having a whole lot less respect for that person than I did previously. I can't say we wouldn't have been friends anymore over that because we probably wouldn't have been anyway- most of my old friends from that church and I ended up parting ways shortly after it became clear that not only was I a godless heathen but probably would remain so. The reason I bring that up is because it falls into a category of 'reasons' that us ex-christians (as well as those who never were) hear all the time- that we just want to do what we want to do and don't want to have to answer to anyone but ourselves. We no longer believe because we want to smoke and drink and have all kinds of sex with all kinds of people, not just one and only after we're married. Yeah, we hear that kind of stuff a lot. It used to really, really bug me. Now I just find it slightly annoying, like a fly buzzing near you at a picnic, but not so close as to be worth your time trying to squash it. I have my own little theory on why that's such a popular excuse for losing/not having faith. Well, surely it's not 'my own' little theory, as I know other people think this too, but I'm going to express it slightly differently than I've heard it in the past. I think the reason people say such things about us is because it lets them off the hook- I lost my faith because I wanted to, see? Because I wanted to have sex before I got married. Or because I wanted to look at porno mags. Or because I was listening to the wrong music, or reading the wrong books, or hanging around with the 'wrong crowd,' or or or... It all comes down to that, doesn't it? I no longer believe because I was either doing something I shouldn't have been doing, or I wanted to be doing something that I shouldn't have been doing. This way, it's all my fault. This way, as long as they just keep being faithful and not do the things I did, as long as they try not to want to do them, as long as they 'do' the right things, and 'not do' the wrong things, then they won't lose their faith like I did. It's about the things you do, not whether an idea is true, or believable, or not; it's because 'I don't like the idea of an Ultimate Authority.' So it starts with little things here and there, then works its way up to bigger things, then next thing you know, I'm a full-blown, God-hating, Angry Atheist. 'I was tired of having to submit to his authority, so I managed to convince myself that he's not real, now I can do all the things I wasn't allowed to do before.' Sort of along those lines is another argument that I hear a lot, that kind of goes like, 'I know what's right,' or 'I know what's really true.' Which is to say that I really know in my heart that what I believed is really true, I'm just denying it for my own selfish reasons. Really. My question is, 'How stupid do these people think I am?' Seriously. How freaking stupid? Because what they're saying is that I really know that God is real and is going to come back for his faithful someday and unless I repent before it's too late, I'm going to end up in hell for all eternity. I really know that, yet I continue living as if I don't. A person would have to be beyond crazy to really believe that- know that- and yet pretend like he really doesn't. I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm not that incredibly stupid either, that I'd try and pretend all that was a lie when I really knew deep down that it was true.
Ok, moving on, let me back up a little bit to the idea that I left God for 'sexual reasons'. Wrong on so many counts. For one thing, I didn't really mind the idea of having to wait until I was married. That's just the way it was, and had been, for me for so long, that I just took it for granted. No big deal. And I was never in many relationships, serious or otherwise, so it's not like I had temptation following me everywhere I went. And let's be honest here, if what I really wanted to do was fool around with the girls, I would have done what a whole lot of other believers have done and still do- I'd have gone ahead and done it- had an 'oops' moment, or 'messed up,' or 'stumbled,' or whatever else they call it nowadays, and then would have (honestly) felt bad about it afterwards and prayed about it and promise to never do it again. Until the next time. Seriously, how many honest-to-god, truly faithful Christians have you guys known over the years who've either gotten pregnant, or gotten someone pregnant? I've known a bunch. I'm sure you've known even more. It's not like it's a secret in the church; happens quite a bit. And it's not like the people who do it are not absolutely serious about their faith- I think most of them are. I sure was. Which is why I never got into trouble like that. Because I believed in what I said I believed in, enough so that I didn't do the things I wasn't supposed to do. It's also why I titled this series of posts the way I did- 'What the hell happened to me?' I wasn't trying to be funny with it. That's just how I look at it; my loss of faith- it's not something I 'chose to do'- it's something that happened to me. I was certainly not expecting it. I had other ideas. Godly ideas. Once I became a Christian, I never, ever imagined I would turn away completely. Couldn't imagine it. I just couldn't imagine not believing. And I didn't want to, either. Things were going pretty good for me towards the end- living with the Jesus People out in Chicago- I loved that time in my life! I still miss being there. Besides the living in Chicago part- such an awesome city- I was also meeting people from literally all over the world on a regular basis, two weeks vacation every year, Cornerstone Festival every year- sure, we had to work it, obviously, but depending on your job, it could be lots of fun. I remember being on garbage detail one year and having a total blast. And there was always plenty of time off to catch shows and do whatever. Like I'd give all that up, plus everything I honestly believed in, just so I could 'get away with' fooling around with the ladies. Please. During my time out there I knew two guys, regular, long-time members of the community, who left their wives for men, as well as one guy who cheated on his wife with a man. That guy ended up staying with the community- he wanted to work out his faith and they were willing to let him. His wife divorced him, of course, but she stayed there too! Slightly awkward, I'd imagine, but the point is that if all I really wanted to do was fool around, I'd have done it and somehow kept on with my faith. Other people have done it. But it's more than that. A lot more. But by now you're probably wondering when I'm just going to answer the damn question- 'what happened?' Truth is, there is no short answer, which is why I started this blog. But the shortest answer that I can give right now goes like this- I want to know what's true and what's not. Just like you, just like everyone. I don't want to believe something if it's not true, or if it's just not believable. Just like you, just like everyone else. So when I started having more and more questions and was getting fewer and fewer answers, especially good ones, I decided that I was going to go on a 'relentless pursuit of the truth' (sounds so good, doesn't it? So noble). That I was going to ask the hard questions and not take some bullshit answer; 'I don't know' could be acceptable, depending on the question, but not something that used twisted logic or forced reason, or even outright lies or misrepresentations of the facts (not that Christians have ever been guilty of that...) If I came to the conclusion that something I'd believed was wrong- that conclusion being based on brutal honesty, logic, reason, evidence, and a sincere desire to know what was really true- then I'd stop believing it. No matter what. And vice-versa. I didn't care about 'doing the things that I wanted to do;' I cared about what was really true. So I wasn't going to discard something that I'd believed in up to that point if I could find a satisfactory answer for it. I'd been having some issues with difficult verses in the Bible and even more issues with stupid reasons given for those verses, so one of the first things I decided to do at this point was to read the Bible from beginning to end- as if I'd never read it before in my life. No ideas about it, no preconceived notions of any kind; just read it as objectively as possible, as if I was an alien from another planet. Some might argue that that's not possible, that everyone has their biases. And it's true, everyone does have their biases, but I think being aware of those biases goes a long ways towards keeping them in check. Besides, having been a believer for ten years at that point (despite recent doubts) I'd say, if anything, my biases were for, not against, the Bible. But for or against, I still think it's possible to put aside bias and read any book or idea fairly objectively. So that's what I set out to do. And I know some (many) people will say that obviously, obviously I was not at all serious about my 'pursuit of the truth,' because God is truth, and since I turned away from him, it just proves, at the very least, that I wasn't looking very hard. Well, ok, just take a minute to think about that statement- 'God is truth, therefore...' See, that's part of the problem I was having. If you want to know whether something is true or not, you can't just start with the idea that it is true, and work your way back from there. (Never mind the fact that the statement 'God is truth' doesn't actually mean anything in particular.) A Muslim could just as easily swap out 'Allah' for 'God' and say that because a person rejects Allah, and instead chooses Yahweh, they were never really serious about knowing what's true and what's not, because if they were, they would have turned to Allah instead, because Allah is the one and only truth. I'm not just throwing out straw-man arguments here, I've actually heard these arguments put forth- both to me, and to others in my place- the idea that if we really cared about what was true we'd have 'come back to the Lord' because he is Truth personified; there is no truth apart from him. I think part of the problem is that, for many Christians, they just take it the wrong way when someone says or implies that they might be wrong- surely they're not wrong. I mean, they really care about what's true- they went on their own 'relentless pursuit of the truth,' and found it, so therefore everyone who disagrees is, by default, wrong. And obviously, if they're mistaken in some particular matter of faith, of course they'll change their mind about it and stand corrected- if in fact they are mistaken, which isn't very likely. But they know- really know- that what they believe is true. So it's the 'other guy' who's wrong. Or who 'doesn't care about what's really true.' Or just plain hates God. Etc, etc, etc. Always the other guy.
A long, kind of rambling post, I know. Let me try and sum things up a little.
1. Yes, I really, honestly did believe. 100% born-again, truly faithful.
2. Started having problems with my faith- honest questions and doubts that I wasn't getting any satisfactory answers for. Questions and doubts that have nothing whatsoever to do with my desires for female attention, and everything to do with whether what I used to believe is actually true or not.
3. Decided to re-examine Christianity as a whole, and found that I could no longer believe in it. Too many things just don't add up for me, some of which I'll talk about later.
4. I honestly and truly no longer believe. No, I don't 'know in my heart' that what I used to believe is really 'the truth'- that's why I'm an atheist.
Monday, June 22, 2009
So... what the hell happened to me? (II)
I hardly know where to start.
So why don't I begin with the line I ended my last post with- "Reasons why I no longer believe the things I used to believe, and why I'll never again be able to." That last part is very important. My sister-in-law once told me that I'd "come back." I didn't have the heart to tell her that it wasn't going to happen. Not too long ago, I read a transcript of an interview with Pastor Rick Warren, who said about William Lobdell, "We'll get him back." Us ex-Christians hear that a lot, and I'm kind of surprised by it- on the one hand, a lot of believers know in their hearts that we'll never come back, and so don't bother with us anymore, but on the other hand, there's a lot of believers who are convinced that we'll someday "see the light" and come back to our old faith, come back to Jesus. I can't speak for anyone else (other than to say that for the vast majority of us, it's highly unlikely) but speaking for myself, I want you to know that I will never again be able to believe the way I used to. It's just not going to happen. And there are many, many people who will hear those words and just think (know) that it's because I'm a 'hard-hearted' atheist; that it's because my conscience has 'been seared as with a hot iron;' that it's because I 'hate God' and don't want to submit to him; or any number of things along those lines. I find those types of comments very frustrating and annoying. None of that is even remotely true (well, almost none- it is true that I'm an atheist). But I also want you to know that even if I did come back to a faith or belief in God, it still wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter because I'd still be on the outs with the vast majority of the believers I used to be a part of; not just those specific individuals that I used to go to church with, but the entire branch of Christianity that I considered myself a part of. I'd be too liberal to be considered a 'real' Christian. The pastor of the church I used to go to (I'm just going to use 'K' from here on out any time he comes up) used to like to say, "There's 3 types of people in the world- those who are [Christians] those who ain't, and those who think they are, but ain't." And it always used to get lots of laughs from the congregation, but think about that statement for a minute- "...those who think they are, but ain't." What a bullshit thing to say. Blatant hypocrites aside, if you can have a whole segment of people who are living their lives as best they can according to the tenets of their faith and conscience, thinking that they're being faithful to Jesus and can call themselves Christians, but really are not Christians, then how can anyone really know for sure if they really are one or not? How can he be so damn sure that he's really one? And just who is it that gets to decide who is and who 'ain't'? Yeah, sure, Judgement Day and all that, the truth will be revealed and all the wolves in sheep's clothing will be exposed for who they really are, but we all know that here and now there's a lot of judging going on- you hang around with the wrong crowd, you go to the bar (or worse, the wrong church- read: UU or other 'liberal' church); maybe you smoke the wrong kind of plant (not that there's a 'right' kind for Christians to smoke, but tobacco is looked down on a whole lot less than weed- cigarette smokers generally don't have their faith called into question solely because of their cigarette smoking) or are too sympathetic to the gay community- you'll find yourself being labeled one of the ones who 'think they are, but ain't.' That would be me, if I were to come back to a belief in God. Are you familiar with Bishop John Shelby Spong? He's not very popular with conservative evangelicals, but I've read a few of his books and find him to be a breath of fresh air. He is probably the kind of Christian I would be, were I to start calling myself that again, except wait- is he really a Christian, or does he just think he's one, but will someday wind up in hell? I think I'm starting to get ahead of myself, though; I'll talk on this more later, but the thing is, my views on a lot of things have changed. I don't see things as black-and-white as I used to anymore. I can't help it; I can't just 'decide' to change how I see things any more than you can. And my views are a lot more liberal than they used to be, which puts me at odds with the branch of Christianity I once called myself a part of- conservative evangelicals. Anyway, to sum up- no I won't (can't) 'come back,' and even if I did, I'd be too liberal to be considered a 'real' Christian anyway, so it wouldn't matter.
So why don't I begin with the line I ended my last post with- "Reasons why I no longer believe the things I used to believe, and why I'll never again be able to." That last part is very important. My sister-in-law once told me that I'd "come back." I didn't have the heart to tell her that it wasn't going to happen. Not too long ago, I read a transcript of an interview with Pastor Rick Warren, who said about William Lobdell, "We'll get him back." Us ex-Christians hear that a lot, and I'm kind of surprised by it- on the one hand, a lot of believers know in their hearts that we'll never come back, and so don't bother with us anymore, but on the other hand, there's a lot of believers who are convinced that we'll someday "see the light" and come back to our old faith, come back to Jesus. I can't speak for anyone else (other than to say that for the vast majority of us, it's highly unlikely) but speaking for myself, I want you to know that I will never again be able to believe the way I used to. It's just not going to happen. And there are many, many people who will hear those words and just think (know) that it's because I'm a 'hard-hearted' atheist; that it's because my conscience has 'been seared as with a hot iron;' that it's because I 'hate God' and don't want to submit to him; or any number of things along those lines. I find those types of comments very frustrating and annoying. None of that is even remotely true (well, almost none- it is true that I'm an atheist). But I also want you to know that even if I did come back to a faith or belief in God, it still wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter because I'd still be on the outs with the vast majority of the believers I used to be a part of; not just those specific individuals that I used to go to church with, but the entire branch of Christianity that I considered myself a part of. I'd be too liberal to be considered a 'real' Christian. The pastor of the church I used to go to (I'm just going to use 'K' from here on out any time he comes up) used to like to say, "There's 3 types of people in the world- those who are [Christians] those who ain't, and those who think they are, but ain't." And it always used to get lots of laughs from the congregation, but think about that statement for a minute- "...those who think they are, but ain't." What a bullshit thing to say. Blatant hypocrites aside, if you can have a whole segment of people who are living their lives as best they can according to the tenets of their faith and conscience, thinking that they're being faithful to Jesus and can call themselves Christians, but really are not Christians, then how can anyone really know for sure if they really are one or not? How can he be so damn sure that he's really one? And just who is it that gets to decide who is and who 'ain't'? Yeah, sure, Judgement Day and all that, the truth will be revealed and all the wolves in sheep's clothing will be exposed for who they really are, but we all know that here and now there's a lot of judging going on- you hang around with the wrong crowd, you go to the bar (or worse, the wrong church- read: UU or other 'liberal' church); maybe you smoke the wrong kind of plant (not that there's a 'right' kind for Christians to smoke, but tobacco is looked down on a whole lot less than weed- cigarette smokers generally don't have their faith called into question solely because of their cigarette smoking) or are too sympathetic to the gay community- you'll find yourself being labeled one of the ones who 'think they are, but ain't.' That would be me, if I were to come back to a belief in God. Are you familiar with Bishop John Shelby Spong? He's not very popular with conservative evangelicals, but I've read a few of his books and find him to be a breath of fresh air. He is probably the kind of Christian I would be, were I to start calling myself that again, except wait- is he really a Christian, or does he just think he's one, but will someday wind up in hell? I think I'm starting to get ahead of myself, though; I'll talk on this more later, but the thing is, my views on a lot of things have changed. I don't see things as black-and-white as I used to anymore. I can't help it; I can't just 'decide' to change how I see things any more than you can. And my views are a lot more liberal than they used to be, which puts me at odds with the branch of Christianity I once called myself a part of- conservative evangelicals. Anyway, to sum up- no I won't (can't) 'come back,' and even if I did, I'd be too liberal to be considered a 'real' Christian anyway, so it wouldn't matter.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
So... what the hell happened to me? (I)
That's pretty much the big question, isn't it? Especially since I never actually told you myself. It's not that I didn't want to. But it's really hard to talk about. Really hard.
Y'know, I never really knew Clark all that well, but I'm sure if we got together we'd have a whole lot in common, a whole lot we could talk about. Chuck, I remember you saying that trying to talk to him about the Lord was like talking to a wall- he'd just clam up and not say a word. I can totally relate to that. I totally understand. I do the same thing. I rarely get asked about it anymore, but when I do I usually just say I don't want to talk about it, end of story. Judy, I told you a long time ago that I wanted to get together with you guys and try and tell you what happened, how I went from There to Here. And I really did want to, I really did. But I quickly realized that I just wasn't going to be able to do it. Besides just being so difficult to talk about, it's also hard to really put into words, to find the right words to say. Even if I could sit there and talk uninterrupted, without breaking down (not at all likely) there's no way I would be able to effectively communicate everything I wanted to say in one or two or even ten sittings. Because it wasn't an overnight process. It probably lasted a couple of years. Hard to say, really. Besides being a long time ago, I didn't exactly keep notes- "Ok, here's Doubt #1, I better jot it down for future reference..." Lots of Christians have doubts at one time or another; most get past them and keep on believing. So how do they do it, and why couldn't I? Or better yet, how is it that I was able to take what I believed and look at it with a more objective, skeptical eye (almost like the way that Christians everywhere look at every other belief system that's not theirs with a skeptical eye) decide that I could honestly no longer believe it, and move on? What the hell did happen to me? Did I ever really believe? (I hear that one a lot, and find it very irritating.) Of course I did. You guys know I did. But maybe you've heard lots of different things from lots of different people and over the years maybe you have asked yourself that very question at times. Maybe you've had a thousand other questions that you've been dying to ask. Of all the people from my past, I've been wanting to tell you guys more than anyone else. (Ben too, and of course, I did tell him- he was the first, and we had a bunch of conversations about it all afterwards, but now that I've had plenty of time to think about things and mature a little bit, I think I'll send him a link to this blog too. I'm sure I didn't explain things quite the way I really wanted to in those early days.)
Shortly after I realized that I wouldn't actually be able to explain things face to face, I thought I could maybe write it in a letter and mail it to you guys from wherever I happened to be living. That way I could take all the time I needed to write it; read it and reread it again months later and make any changes I wanted to, and then when I finally felt like I had said everything I needed/wanted to say, I could mail it out. That was about 10 years ago (told you I procrastinate a lot). So now with the internet being what it is today, I thought it'd be best just to put it down in this blog. Slightly less personal than a handwritten letter, I guess, but a lot more likely that it'll get done.
So this is my letter to you guys. I've been writing it in my head for the last 10 years or so. I'm writing it with only you in mind (and the kids, of course; no doubt they've wondered too) but feel free to share it with anyone who might remember me from those days who you think might have questions that could be answered here. As it is, despite the very personal nature of this, I'm not keeping it 'secret' from public view- I've told one or two select people about it (no one from my past, although that could possibly change) and I link back to it whenever I post on a related blog that I read. Going from Christian to Atheist is not an easy experience, and I think maybe it could be helpful for some people who may be finding themselves in that position.
No doubt there are plenty of people who might come across this blog- and I can think of many from my Christian days- who will just look at everything I say and rattle off a list of 'rebuttals,' reasons why 'I'm wrong,' reasons why I'm just full of it; honestly, those people can go pound sand, for all I care (which is partly why comments are closed). I'm not writing this for them, I'm not here to convert anyone to my way of thinking; everything I write here, I write only to you guys, as if I were speaking to you directly, telling you all the things I've wanted to tell you. My plan, my hope, with this is that I can maybe answer some of the questions that you've no doubt had. I'm not exactly sure that's even possible, but I'm going to try. You may end up with more questions than you had before, I don't know. You can feel free to ask anything you'd like after you read it, but I'm pretty sure I won't want to talk about it anymore- and I'm going to try and cover everything here so I won't have to. This isn't going to be some sort of 'time-line' history; I've read other ex-Christians' stories and they read like a short story- plot, detailed conversation, point A to point Z. Even if I could remember all that stuff, I doubt if I'd want to put it all down here like that. There were two big turning points that I want to tell you about, but other than that, most of what I'm going to put here is just a bunch of questions that I had then, and still have now, that I've not gotten any satisfactory answers for from God's people; questions, doubts, random wonderings. Reasons why I no longer believe the things I used to believe, and why I'll never again be able to.
Y'know, I never really knew Clark all that well, but I'm sure if we got together we'd have a whole lot in common, a whole lot we could talk about. Chuck, I remember you saying that trying to talk to him about the Lord was like talking to a wall- he'd just clam up and not say a word. I can totally relate to that. I totally understand. I do the same thing. I rarely get asked about it anymore, but when I do I usually just say I don't want to talk about it, end of story. Judy, I told you a long time ago that I wanted to get together with you guys and try and tell you what happened, how I went from There to Here. And I really did want to, I really did. But I quickly realized that I just wasn't going to be able to do it. Besides just being so difficult to talk about, it's also hard to really put into words, to find the right words to say. Even if I could sit there and talk uninterrupted, without breaking down (not at all likely) there's no way I would be able to effectively communicate everything I wanted to say in one or two or even ten sittings. Because it wasn't an overnight process. It probably lasted a couple of years. Hard to say, really. Besides being a long time ago, I didn't exactly keep notes- "Ok, here's Doubt #1, I better jot it down for future reference..." Lots of Christians have doubts at one time or another; most get past them and keep on believing. So how do they do it, and why couldn't I? Or better yet, how is it that I was able to take what I believed and look at it with a more objective, skeptical eye (almost like the way that Christians everywhere look at every other belief system that's not theirs with a skeptical eye) decide that I could honestly no longer believe it, and move on? What the hell did happen to me? Did I ever really believe? (I hear that one a lot, and find it very irritating.) Of course I did. You guys know I did. But maybe you've heard lots of different things from lots of different people and over the years maybe you have asked yourself that very question at times. Maybe you've had a thousand other questions that you've been dying to ask. Of all the people from my past, I've been wanting to tell you guys more than anyone else. (Ben too, and of course, I did tell him- he was the first, and we had a bunch of conversations about it all afterwards, but now that I've had plenty of time to think about things and mature a little bit, I think I'll send him a link to this blog too. I'm sure I didn't explain things quite the way I really wanted to in those early days.)
Shortly after I realized that I wouldn't actually be able to explain things face to face, I thought I could maybe write it in a letter and mail it to you guys from wherever I happened to be living. That way I could take all the time I needed to write it; read it and reread it again months later and make any changes I wanted to, and then when I finally felt like I had said everything I needed/wanted to say, I could mail it out. That was about 10 years ago (told you I procrastinate a lot). So now with the internet being what it is today, I thought it'd be best just to put it down in this blog. Slightly less personal than a handwritten letter, I guess, but a lot more likely that it'll get done.
So this is my letter to you guys. I've been writing it in my head for the last 10 years or so. I'm writing it with only you in mind (and the kids, of course; no doubt they've wondered too) but feel free to share it with anyone who might remember me from those days who you think might have questions that could be answered here. As it is, despite the very personal nature of this, I'm not keeping it 'secret' from public view- I've told one or two select people about it (no one from my past, although that could possibly change) and I link back to it whenever I post on a related blog that I read. Going from Christian to Atheist is not an easy experience, and I think maybe it could be helpful for some people who may be finding themselves in that position.
No doubt there are plenty of people who might come across this blog- and I can think of many from my Christian days- who will just look at everything I say and rattle off a list of 'rebuttals,' reasons why 'I'm wrong,' reasons why I'm just full of it; honestly, those people can go pound sand, for all I care (which is partly why comments are closed). I'm not writing this for them, I'm not here to convert anyone to my way of thinking; everything I write here, I write only to you guys, as if I were speaking to you directly, telling you all the things I've wanted to tell you. My plan, my hope, with this is that I can maybe answer some of the questions that you've no doubt had. I'm not exactly sure that's even possible, but I'm going to try. You may end up with more questions than you had before, I don't know. You can feel free to ask anything you'd like after you read it, but I'm pretty sure I won't want to talk about it anymore- and I'm going to try and cover everything here so I won't have to. This isn't going to be some sort of 'time-line' history; I've read other ex-Christians' stories and they read like a short story- plot, detailed conversation, point A to point Z. Even if I could remember all that stuff, I doubt if I'd want to put it all down here like that. There were two big turning points that I want to tell you about, but other than that, most of what I'm going to put here is just a bunch of questions that I had then, and still have now, that I've not gotten any satisfactory answers for from God's people; questions, doubts, random wonderings. Reasons why I no longer believe the things I used to believe, and why I'll never again be able to.
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