So... what the hell happened to me? (II)

I hardly know where to start.

So why don't I begin with the line I ended my last post with- "Reasons why I no longer believe the things I used to believe, and why I'll never again be able to." That last part is very important. My sister-in-law once told me that I'd "come back." I didn't have the heart to tell her that it wasn't going to happen. Not too long ago, I read a transcript of an interview with Pastor Rick Warren, who said about William Lobdell, "We'll get him back." Us ex-Christians hear that a lot, and I'm kind of surprised by it- on the one hand, a lot of believers know in their hearts that we'll never come back, and so don't bother with us anymore, but on the other hand, there's a lot of believers who are convinced that we'll someday "see the light" and come back to our old faith, come back to Jesus. I can't speak for anyone else (other than to say that for the vast majority of us, it's highly unlikely) but speaking for myself, I want you to know that I will never again be able to believe the way I used to. It's just not going to happen. And there are many, many people who will hear those words and just think (know) that it's because I'm a 'hard-hearted' atheist; that it's because my conscience has 'been seared as with a hot iron;' that it's because I 'hate God' and don't want to submit to him; or any number of things along those lines. I find those types of comments very frustrating and annoying. None of that is even remotely true (well, almost none- it is true that I'm an atheist). But I also want you to know that even if I did come back to a faith or belief in God, it still wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter because I'd still be on the outs with the vast majority of the believers I used to be a part of; not just those specific individuals that I used to go to church with, but the entire branch of Christianity that I considered myself a part of. I'd be too liberal to be considered a 'real' Christian. The pastor of the church I used to go to (I'm just going to use 'K' from here on out any time he comes up) used to like to say, "There's 3 types of people in the world- those who are [Christians] those who ain't, and those who think they are, but ain't." And it always used to get lots of laughs from the congregation, but think about that statement for a minute- "...those who think they are, but ain't." What a bullshit thing to say. Blatant hypocrites aside, if you can have a whole segment of people who are living their lives as best they can according to the tenets of their faith and conscience, thinking that they're being faithful to Jesus and can call themselves Christians, but really are not Christians, then how can anyone really know for sure if they really are one or not? How can he be so damn sure that he's really one? And just who is it that gets to decide who is and who 'ain't'? Yeah, sure, Judgement Day and all that, the truth will be revealed and all the wolves in sheep's clothing will be exposed for who they really are, but we all know that here and now there's a lot of judging going on- you hang around with the wrong crowd, you go to the bar (or worse, the wrong church- read: UU or other 'liberal' church); maybe you smoke the wrong kind of plant (not that there's a 'right' kind for Christians to smoke, but tobacco is looked down on a whole lot less than weed- cigarette smokers generally don't have their faith called into question solely because of their cigarette smoking) or are too sympathetic to the gay community- you'll find yourself being labeled one of the ones who 'think they are, but ain't.' That would be me, if I were to come back to a belief in God. Are you familiar with Bishop John Shelby Spong? He's not very popular with conservative evangelicals, but I've read a few of his books and find him to be a breath of fresh air. He is probably the kind of Christian I would be, were I to start calling myself that again, except wait- is he really a Christian, or does he just think he's one, but will someday wind up in hell? I think I'm starting to get ahead of myself, though; I'll talk on this more later, but the thing is, my views on a lot of things have changed. I don't see things as black-and-white as I used to anymore. I can't help it; I can't just 'decide' to change how I see things any more than you can. And my views are a lot more liberal than they used to be, which puts me at odds with the branch of Christianity I once called myself a part of- conservative evangelicals. Anyway, to sum up- no I won't (can't) 'come back,' and even if I did, I'd be too liberal to be considered a 'real' Christian anyway, so it wouldn't matter.