So... what the hell happened to me? (I)

That's pretty much the big question, isn't it? Especially since I never actually told you myself. It's not that I didn't want to. But it's really hard to talk about. Really hard.
Y'know, I never really knew Clark all that well, but I'm sure if we got together we'd have a whole lot in common, a whole lot we could talk about. Chuck, I remember you saying that trying to talk to him about the Lord was like talking to a wall- he'd just clam up and not say a word. I can totally relate to that. I totally understand. I do the same thing. I rarely get asked about it anymore, but when I do I usually just say I don't want to talk about it, end of story. Judy, I told you a long time ago that I wanted to get together with you guys and try and tell you what happened, how I went from There to Here. And I really did want to, I really did. But I quickly realized that I just wasn't going to be able to do it. Besides just being so difficult to talk about, it's also hard to really put into words, to find the right words to say. Even if I could sit there and talk uninterrupted, without breaking down (not at all likely) there's no way I would be able to effectively communicate everything I wanted to say in one or two or even ten sittings. Because it wasn't an overnight process. It probably lasted a couple of years. Hard to say, really. Besides being a long time ago, I didn't exactly keep notes- "Ok, here's Doubt #1, I better jot it down for future reference..." Lots of Christians have doubts at one time or another; most get past them and keep on believing. So how do they do it, and why couldn't I? Or better yet, how is it that I was able to take what I believed and look at it with a more objective, skeptical eye (almost like the way that Christians everywhere look at every other belief system that's not theirs with a skeptical eye) decide that I could honestly no longer believe it, and move on? What the hell did happen to me? Did I ever really believe? (I hear that one a lot, and find it very irritating.) Of course I did. You guys know I did. But maybe you've heard lots of different things from lots of different people and over the years maybe you have asked yourself that very question at times. Maybe you've had a thousand other questions that you've been dying to ask. Of all the people from my past, I've been wanting to tell you guys more than anyone else. (Ben too, and of course, I did tell him- he was the first, and we had a bunch of conversations about it all afterwards, but now that I've had plenty of time to think about things and mature a little bit, I think I'll send him a link to this blog too. I'm sure I didn't explain things quite the way I really wanted to in those early days.)
Shortly after I realized that I wouldn't actually be able to explain things face to face, I thought I could maybe write it in a letter and mail it to you guys from wherever I happened to be living. That way I could take all the time I needed to write it; read it and reread it again months later and make any changes I wanted to, and then when I finally felt like I had said everything I needed/wanted to say, I could mail it out. That was about 10 years ago (told you I procrastinate a lot). So now with the internet being what it is today, I thought it'd be best just to put it down in this blog. Slightly less personal than a handwritten letter, I guess, but a lot more likely that it'll get done.
So this is my letter to you guys. I've been writing it in my head for the last 10 years or so. I'm writing it with only you in mind (and the kids, of course; no doubt they've wondered too) but feel free to share it with anyone who might remember me from those days who you think might have questions that could be answered here. As it is, despite the very personal nature of this, I'm not keeping it 'secret' from public view- I've told one or two select people about it (no one from my past, although that could possibly change) and I link back to it whenever I post on a related blog that I read. Going from Christian to Atheist is not an easy experience, and I think maybe it could be helpful for some people who may be finding themselves in that position.
No doubt there are plenty of people who might come across this blog- and I can think of many from my Christian days- who will just look at everything I say and rattle off a list of 'rebuttals,' reasons why 'I'm wrong,' reasons why I'm just full of it; honestly, those people can go pound sand, for all I care (which is partly why comments are closed). I'm not writing this for them, I'm not here to convert anyone to my way of thinking; everything I write here, I write only to you guys, as if I were speaking to you directly, telling you all the things I've wanted to tell you. My plan, my hope, with this is that I can maybe answer some of the questions that you've no doubt had. I'm not exactly sure that's even possible, but I'm going to try. You may end up with more questions than you had before, I don't know. You can feel free to ask anything you'd like after you read it, but I'm pretty sure I won't want to talk about it anymore- and I'm going to try and cover everything here so I won't have to. This isn't going to be some sort of 'time-line' history; I've read other ex-Christians' stories and they read like a short story- plot, detailed conversation, point A to point Z. Even if I could remember all that stuff, I doubt if I'd want to put it all down here like that. There were two big turning points that I want to tell you about, but other than that, most of what I'm going to put here is just a bunch of questions that I had then, and still have now, that I've not gotten any satisfactory answers for from God's people; questions, doubts, random wonderings. Reasons why I no longer believe the things I used to believe, and why I'll never again be able to.

What is this?

This, this blog/journal thing, this '10 plus years', is, first and foremost, a letter; a letter to some dear old friends of mine. People I've known for over 20 years now, which is longer than I've known, and stayed friends with, anyone (excluding family). It's a letter to try and somehow explain what the hell happened to me; what happened to my faith. I used to be a true believer. A faithful, bible-believing, bible-memorizing, evangelical Christian. Now I'm an atheist. I've always wanted to try and explain to them how that all came about. I know they weren't exactly expecting it. Hell, I wasn't expecting it. They didn't even hear it directly from me, which I was glad for at the time. (It's really, really hard to come out as an atheist to your Christian friends and family when you've been a Christian yourself, especially if you've been one for many years.) For a very brief time, I wanted to try and sit down with them and explain everything. But I quickly realized that wasn't going to happen. Not because of anything that they would say or do, but because for one, I'm not what you'd call 'good with words'. There's no way I could effectively communicate all the things I wanted to say in person over a couple hours or so. Even over several meetings of a couple of hours. Even if they didn't ask a single question and just let me spill my guts the entire time. I'm just not that good at communicating things. So then I thought that I'd write them a letter (this was about 10 years ago, before blogs and the internet are what they are today). With a letter, I could take as much time as I wanted, and even wait a month or two after it was written and go back and read it and see how I felt and make any changes I felt were necessary, and then wait some more and then read it again and maybe finally mail it out. And I've been wanting to write that letter for about 10 years now (it's really hard to get started). So maybe this will be that letter. Maybe now, ten-plus years after losing my decade-long faith, I'll finally be able to tell my good friends the things I've been wanting to tell them, and explain why I'll never again be able to believe the things I used to. Or maybe not. My plan is to write it all down, say everything I've been wanting to say, and then at some point, send them a link to this place so they can read it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to write it, but as for letting them know about it, we'll see when the time comes.

The writing- that's the other part of what this blog is all about. It's been over ten years, and I can never seem to stop thinking about it all- the questions, the doubts, all that crap. I'm pretty sure it's like that for everyone who's gone through this sort of thing. So hopefully, just writing it all down somewhere will help me get it out of my head and maybe I'll stop thinking about it so much.

I can't imagine many people will find this blog worth reading, but then again, in the early days of my loss of faith, I would have. I would have loved to read stuff like this, and in fact did- I was on some Yahoo! group for ex-Christians (I'm pretty sure it no longer exists) that really helped me a lot. It was like therapy. So that's why I link to it when I post a comment on some other blogs that I read. Maybe someone is in the same situation I was in many years ago and might get something out of it; or not, who knows?

Here's what this blog is not: it's not a place where I try and change anyone's mind about anything. I've made my peace with life and death and the universe, with Knowing and not knowing; let others make theirs as they see fit. I'm not offering up arguments to try and refute Christians or convince anyone that what I believe is the right thing to believe. I don't give two shits about all that. There's a million other places on the web that cover all that and more. As I mentioned earlier, all this really is is a letter to some friends, about me; so if you're going to spend any time at all reading this, it's best to think of it in that light. And because it's mostly a letter to some friends and I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything (not even them) comments are closed. If you really, really feel the need to contact me about something, you can email me at: myowndamnpath@... (well, I'm not going to tell you where at exactly, but I'm sure you can guess. It's pretty easy to figure out. And if you're the owner of a blog I commented on, then you obviously already know). Keep in mind everything that I mentioned above, and also that I have a low tolerance for bullshit. Another way to contact me would be to comment back on whatever comment I made on whatever blog, which is probably how you heard about this in the first place.


A couple more things...

I'm not on any sort of timetable with this thing; new posts could be very infrequent and random. I have no idea how or when this will wrap up, but when I get to the point where I feel like it's my last post, you'll know. Also, things may seem a little jumbled at times, i.e. just random thoughts being posted randomly. It's just stuff I need to get out of my head. I'll probably go back and review it all at the end and and rearrange it better, and probably even delete some stuff along the way.